One out of five ain’t bad.
That’s what my husband told me.
And he’s right, statistically speaking.
Our sweet, sweet baby #5 joined us 11 weeks ago. She is wonderful – as long as mommy is holding, nursing, or wearing her. She still just smiles and sleeps, so all is good there.
But why do I feel like this?
I’ll tell you that I haven’t written in awhile because I haven’t been able to completely finish a post yet. I figured that I may as well lay this out there… maybe it’ll help me start writing more about ME again.
I definitely have the baby blues. And it is STRANGE. I know that I am me. I know that I am happy. But yet, I also feel this odd way about it all – as if I’m just blah. I’m not having intense postpartum depression. This feeling doesn’t last all day, every day, but it is completely unfamiliar to me. I am here most of the time, but then I have days where I just feel like I am here but not enjoying anything. I still function as normal – the kids are happy and unaware, but I just feel overwhelmed, tired, and not ME. Again, it’s extremely odd for me to not just be happy all of the time.
I’m finding myself needing more ‘me time.’ Whether that be starbucks and a book on Sundays, running in the basement, or just a bath alone, I’m needing it.
Ya’ll, I am keeping FIVE HUMANS ALIVE. I am feeding them, loving them, educating them, driving them everywhere, keeping them from killing each other, wiping their butts, wiping their tears, and hugging them – ALL.DAY.LONG. Two of the five are still babies in my eyes. The whole less than a 1.5 year age gap thing is craziness. This also means that I wake up to nurse and change diapers all night too.
So basically, I’m a superhero…
But those baby blues… man, they are intense. My anxiety is higher. I can’t imagine taking all of the kids anywhere that would possibly have a crowd. I hate being at home for more than 2 days in a row, but I also can’t imagine doing more than our exact scripted schedule.
I know that it will all fade away and become easier as time passes. I mentally prepared myself for the first year with baby 5 to be extremely challenging, but actually living it is quite different. But I am doing it.
I’m making friends, pouring myself into my work, and loving on my babies. I’m appreciating everything as it is… but I’m also accepting that this postpartum period is different.
Is it because of the age difference between Ollie Jack and Veda?
Is it because Veda is our last baby?
Is it mid-30’s?
Is it just what it is?
It really doesn’t matter what it is, does it? What matters is that I am aware and talking about it. I just need to continue to fill my own cup, ask for love and support, and understand that it’s okay to not be perfectly happy all of the time.
This is reality. This is my postpartum.